Cancer sucks. But we can live with it, fight it, and maybe even defeat it. This is my story. I hope it helps a patient, a caregiver or a loved one.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Some More Personal Stuff
WARNING: If you’ve felt in the past that some of my personal notes are depressing I have two pieces of advise. First, don’t read this. You’ll probably find some of this depressing. Secondly, don’t be depressed. I’m not. I have my moments but I think that’s to be expected in this situation. Overall, I’m happy, content, lucky in many respects, and still enjoying life.
I try not to write about day to day personal things because I don’t think anyone cares. Besides, my day to day life is pretty boring. But when I feel something that I think is directly related to my situation I think it’s important to share it. I think it may help someone else going through something similar to know they are not alone.
Here are a few things I learned, realized or have experienced while on this journey.
First a couple of things I’m experiencing:
I am finding that my mind keeps bringing back all of the regrets I have in my life. I relive them vividly. I feel both sides of the situation, mine and the other person affected by it. I have learned from these things. Too bad I didn‘t learn them earlier.
I’m finding that I’m very emotional now. I can hide it from most people pretty well but it’s very hard for me to talk to my children about anything significant without bursting into tears. When I’m alone I think a lot and a lot of things make me cry to myself. I think it’s better to be alone at such times than to dump depression on people. The only problem with it is that there’s nobody there to hold me. The last few days have been unseasonably warm. I’ve been able to sit on the patio and soak in some sun and warmth. Have I mentioned how much I love the sun? I think I’ve found a piece of God in the rays. It’s as if the sun rays are God’s arms. And they hold me.
I realized that I have two heroes in my life; my father and my son. Both of them possessed or possess qualities I admire and wish I had. Both are men I wish I could have been.
I have learned that God has been with me throughout this journey. He has guided me, comforted me and taught me.
Last Sunday I learned the motto of the Special Olympics. It struck me because it summarizes my prayer to God about this battle.
“Let me win but if I can’t win let me be brave in the attempt.”
I’ll carry on.
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Jerry, this does NOT depress me. You are just changing gears, that's all. Life has stages. Death is nothing to be ashamed of. It comes to all of us. People don't want to hear about it because it reminds them of that reality.
ReplyDeleteI understand your being emotional. I understand you wanting some loving arms wrapped around you. You need to do just what you've done: be honest and open. Maybe if more people would do that, we'd have less awkward tripping around the subject. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
There are better places than this world, believe it or not. In the past few weeks, I've heard several people recount family strife. It's then when I stop and think that those things won't be present in Heaven. Here, we have the pull to sin. How wonderful it will be when it is absent.
Jerry, although it sure seems like it, now, we aren't going to miss anything. That's God's biggest surprise: all believers will be reunited. Everyone's got to serve their time "on the mission field" which is life. Eventually we will all get to retire.
You've run a tremendous race. Amazing, really. You carry on until it's your time. The only difference between you and others is that you have a little bit of a hint of when you will pass. Shift gears and continue on your journey, but hold hands as you do.
Let people in on your issues, Jerry. They're able. if you don't, they may regret that they didn't speak more about it with you before you passed. I know several widows that have told me that. Your family: your wife, your children, need to be allowed the privilege of walking with you. Don't underestimate them. If the situation were reversed, wouldn't you want to be there for each of them? Would you wish they wouldn't "depress you?" Neither will they.
Think about it, Jerry.
Marilee Alvey
From what I've seen, the emotional side happens to others along their battle also. I think it's completely normal under your circumstances. And aaaaah stupid regrets, we all have those too. At least you're trying hard to not have many more. For what it's worth, I think you ARE brave. Thank you for allowing us into your heart Jerry. Each time I get the chance to know you better, I consider it a blessing. Keep shining!!
ReplyDeleteMy sister, who lost her husband a year ago, says that sorrow is a spiritual emotion. It opens your heart and lets you connect with God. Anger is the opposite - it invites Satan in the door. I'm glad you're not angry!
ReplyDeleteMarilee said it all so beautifully. Personally, as T's mother-in-law I felt it a great priviledge to share some tender moments with him. It strenghtens the bonds that will be carried on into the next life.