Sweet/Bitter/Sweet

Today it is the two year anniversary of my diagnosis. I can honestly say I didn’t think I would make it past one year. I have outlived my prognosis and for that I am very grateful. That is sweet. I “celebrated” the day the same as I did last year, by going to Mass, visiting the folks at my oncologist’s office to express my gratitude, visiting my mother to do the same, and of course letting Trrrr know how important she is to me. Unfortunately I was delayed somewhat because when I went to the oncologist’s office the Chemo Kaiser locked the doors and tried to force an early treatment on me. I had to pull the fire alarm to get out of there. The bitter side of this day is that although I’m happy to be at this point, I can’t help but feel like my remaining time is very limited. My last two chemo treatments were three weeks apart instead of the normal two. This was because a minimum of two weeks is required before the PET scan can be done and the scheduling just worked out that way. With the extra week off my CEA count went up from 20.7 to 25.1. So it seems I’m very dependent on the chemo. After the most recent treatment I had more gastric discomfort than normally. I vomited for the first time in two years of treatment. I’ve also been more fatigued than in the past. So it seems the cumulative effects of the chemo are getting worse. I fear that am nearing the time when I can’t live with it and I can’t live without it. Something has to give. More than medically, I am feeling spiritually that I am getting close to the end. I’ve spoken before about the learning process I think people go through at the end. More and more, I think I’m reaching that point of understanding, accepting, loving and forgiving. I really think I’m a better person than I was two years ago. I’ve sometimes wondered, as I know others have, why do good people die? What’s the point in going through this learning process, often late in life, only to leave this life. Well I think the answer is obvious. Where are good people supposed to go? They’re supposed to go to heaven. Lately I’ve been feeling the presence of people who have gone before me. They may be here to guide me. They may have been here for years and I never felt them before. But I think they may be preparing to escort me. Back to the sweet side. These past two years have definitely been among the best in my life. So much has happened and I’ve felt so much love that it’s all too numerable to mention. But what stands out most is my children. I don’t think I’ll get to see Heather get her dream job as I put on my bucket list but I have gotten to see her happy. Very happy. And that makes me feel very good. And then there’s AJ. I’ve always been proud of AJ but it was usually associated with watching him play sports. However that pride doesn’t come close to how proud I am of what he has done with his career and the man he has become. I don’t want to leave yet. In fact sometimes I think I’ll miss myself. But when my time comes I’m ready. Spiritually ready. I have a few mortal things I have to finish and I’ll be working on those. In the meantime every day is another gift. Happy anniversary everyone. --------------------------------------------------------------