Why Am I Here? Where Am I Going? How Do I Get There?

Everybody wants to go to heaven. But nobody wants to die. Well then how do you get there? Unfortunately we have to die to get to heaven. I am in the process of accepting that. I’m still having trouble with it but I’m getting there. Unless you are killed suddenly and unexpectedly, I think dying is a process. Even people who die suddenly probably go through the process. It’s just not as obvious. I think that when that process is complete, it’s time to go. I think that the process consists primarily of achieving levels of understanding, loving, accepting, forgiving, and being at peace with yourself and your God. It has been said that before you die your life flashes before you. Recently I transferred all of the family videos I had on VHS tapes onto DVDs and gave them to my children. In the process I viewed all of those tapes. This wasn’t exactly a flash but I certainly relived those times in my life. It wasn’t simply seeing those times again. It was feeling those feelings again, thinking about how the children have grown and matured, thinking about what I have learned since then. I think that learning is an important part of the dying process. I believe I have learned a lot recently. I have a better understanding of why some things happen in life. I think I have more tolerance for people than I had before, more compassion. I see animals differently now. I always loved animals but now I see them more as creatures of God. It’s weird, but I seem to feel them as much as see them. I have heard people say that animals are “lesser” beings than humans. They lack free will and therefore they cannot make choices so they cannot go to heaven. I don’t agree. I think animals are automatically going to heaven. I have grown spiritually. I pray more than I used to but I also talk to God. And now I pray and talk to Jesus and Mary which I never did before. I have come to think that just as important as talking to God is listening to Him. But that’s much more difficult. When you think about all of the things that happen to us and all the things that happen around us, it’s not easy to understand what God is saying to us. I’m not a good listener. But I’m learning. I’ve been trying to understand what God is telling me by allowing me to outlive my prognosis. There’s a reason I’m still here but I don’t know what it is. I think I’ll be here long enough to walk my daughter down the aisle in August but that’s not why God has left me here. That’s a gift he’s giving me along the way. I would love it if the reason I’m here is to save a life. But I know I don’t get to pick the reason. I have to keep listening and try to hear His message. When I was first diagnosed Terry and I made sure some financial things were in order. I tried to teach her about some household things that she was not familiar with, things that I always took care of. I think she’s forgotten much of what I told her. It’s been almost two years. Lately we’ve been thinking more along the lines of selling the house and downsizing. That will make it easier for her when I go. That’s one of the advantages of knowing you don’t have too much longer, an opportunity to plan. I believe in God and I believe in Heaven. I believe that there is an eternal reward for us when we die. But if that’s true, if I truly believe, I should be eager to go whenever my time comes. I’m willing to accept it but I’m not eager. Maybe my faith is not strong enough yet. So I’ll just continue living as long as God let’s me, trying to learn along the way. I’ll continue the process. But maybe I’ll be a little bit of a jerk now and then so I don’t get there too quickly. Carry on. ----------------------------------------