A BIT OF A BUMMER

I try to maintain a positive attitude while still being realistic about my situation. But the attitude is suffering a bit lately so if you‘re looking for an upbeat post you may want to skip this one. I apologize. Last weekend I had a great time in Atlantic City with my good friend Vince. I could have been a little embarrassed at the poker table because I was not able to properly handle the cards or chips due to my dry fingers and fragile fingernails. If you’ve ever watched poker on television you may have seen some of the players doing chip tricks at the table. How’s this for a trick - start to take your chips out of the rack and send them shooting across the table and onto the floor? Things like that along with almost constant tears could have gotten me down but it didn’t. Vince stacked my chips for me whenever we were at the same table and when we weren’t I didn’t care. I was having fun and I was feeling great. When I got home on Sunday Terry and I attended our grand nephew’s (I think that’s the relationship) baseball game. After the game he, our niece and her husband and in-laws all came back to our house for pizza. It was another weekend for the “Happy Times With Cancer” list. I was feeling so good that weekend that I decided to go to the chemo lounge on Monday to let them knock the hell out of me. And they did. It’s been a week now since that treatment and I’ve never felt this weak so long after a treatment. This weekend immediately passed I tried to take advantage of the warm weather by doing some yard work. I couldn’t even stand up for more than 15 minutes let alone exert myself. This is the cumulative affect of the chemo. There is some tiredness, particularly in the early part of the cycle. But it’s the lack of energy, strength and stamina that is the most frustrating. I can’t do much except activities that don’t require I get up from the chair. I guess it’s to be expected. Take a look at the two pictures at the following link. The first picture is of the IV pump and a second infusion pump. Both of these are putting stuff into me while I am taking the picture. The second picture is what’s waiting to be pumped into me. Chemo Pictures What you see in the pictures does not include the 5fu which is pumped into me through a portable pump for the next 48 hours. When you consider all those chemicals going into my body it’s easy to see why my body reacts negatively. It’s easy to see why I pee so much. Perhaps it’s the mental reaction to the physical stress or perhaps it’s a normal part of the process or perhaps I’m just a wimp but whatever is causing it I’m getting depressed lately. Yes, I’m depressed about not having more energy but it’s more than that. I feel like this is never going to end. I feel like I can’t take much more of it. I find myself thinking about my own funeral, and yes, it makes me cry. I find myself wondering if anyone will miss me. Anyone that is besides my dog Oscar. But I’ve noticed lately that Oscar and Terry seem to be bonding more. Then I think that they’re both preparing to live without me. I cry by myself a lot lately. If I get caught I can blame it on the blocked tear ducts. I’m sorry for the negativity. There is a positive. If you were to give me the choice of living only six more months with the improved relationship I’ve enjoyed with my two children and my mother over the last six months or living another ten years without those relationships, I’d take the six months. Something is going to change soon. Next week I’m scheduled for another PET scan. Maybe I’ll get lucky and the results will be good enough to allow me to back off some of the chemo. If not I may keep getting weaker to the point I’m forced to back off. I still have some fight left in me so I’m going to try not to let it be the latter. I scheduled myself for an extra hydration session tomorrow. Maybe that will help with the weakness. Either way I’ll carry on. -------------------------------------------------------------------