Some More Personal Stuff

WARNING: If you’ve felt in the past that some of my personal notes are depressing I have two pieces of advise. First, don’t read this. You’ll probably find some of this depressing. Secondly, don’t be depressed. I’m not. I have my moments but I think that’s to be expected in this situation. Overall, I’m happy, content, lucky in many respects, and still enjoying life. I try not to write about day to day personal things because I don’t think anyone cares. Besides, my day to day life is pretty boring. But when I feel something that I think is directly related to my situation I think it’s important to share it. I think it may help someone else going through something similar to know they are not alone. Here are a few things I learned, realized or have experienced while on this journey. First a couple of things I’m experiencing: I am finding that my mind keeps bringing back all of the regrets I have in my life. I relive them vividly. I feel both sides of the situation, mine and the other person affected by it. I have learned from these things. Too bad I didn‘t learn them earlier. I’m finding that I’m very emotional now. I can hide it from most people pretty well but it’s very hard for me to talk to my children about anything significant without bursting into tears. When I’m alone I think a lot and a lot of things make me cry to myself. I think it’s better to be alone at such times than to dump depression on people. The only problem with it is that there’s nobody there to hold me. The last few days have been unseasonably warm. I’ve been able to sit on the patio and soak in some sun and warmth. Have I mentioned how much I love the sun? I think I’ve found a piece of God in the rays. It’s as if the sun rays are God’s arms. And they hold me. I realized that I have two heroes in my life; my father and my son. Both of them possessed or possess qualities I admire and wish I had. Both are men I wish I could have been. I have learned that God has been with me throughout this journey. He has guided me, comforted me and taught me. Last Sunday I learned the motto of the Special Olympics. It struck me because it summarizes my prayer to God about this battle. “Let me win but if I can’t win let me be brave in the attempt.” I’ll carry on. -----------------------------------------------------------